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| 'Cinderella Complex', PilarErika (also IG) |
Book: The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence (1981), by Colette Dowling.
3.5/5. Goodreads review also here.
Pro: Feminist self-help book about harmful emotional dependence, and gender roles in heteronormative unhealthy relationships - still relevant today
This is a feminist self-help book which helps women become more conscious about the 'Cinderella Complex': The way societal upbringing and patriarchal gender roles make women experiment both problematic emotional (and financial) dependence and a deep fear of independence. I think these issues are really important and not discussed often enough, because emotional (and also financial) dependence in relationships still affect many women today.
Some people have remarked that this book is somewhat 'obsolete' when it comes to unequal heternormative relationships with traditional gender roles because it was written in the early 80s and refers to the 60s and 70s - But I think that it is unfortunately not 'obsolete' at all. Emotional dependence is a real problem that is still affecting many, many women today, and it's still very much alive and perpetuated 'thanks' to traditional (and very problematic) children's fairytales and the media in general (the glorification of emotional dependence and the concept of romantic love as seen through a patriarchal lens in songs, books and movies, for example).
I totally recommend
that everyone read books such as this one, because it makes both women
and men think about the harm that patriarchy and gender roles have done
and still do to women, and how many relationships today between women and men are deeply influenced by traditional gender roles and power dynamics, strengthened both by male privilege and the brainwashing of the media regarding romantic love and relationships.
Con: Non-intersectional
This book focuses primarily on white, American middle-class heteronormative women, though. The emotional dependence issue can still be very relevant to all women, I think, disregardless of other factors, but it's worth mentioning that it's not a very intersectional book in that respect, and that not all women would be able to get out of harmful relationships or get their 'freedom' (financial independence, jobs, education, etc) with the ease that the author sometimes describes.
It's not just about becoming conscious of the way society has trained women to be afraid of independence - Privilege and position in society are as important when it comes to 'springing free'. It can already be quite hard for white, cishet middle-class women to get away from an abusive relationship, or to be able to become financially independent if they're trapped in a marriage where the husband holds all the financial power and likes to stay that way. It's way harder to do so if you add race, class, sexual orientation or gender identity to the equation. Being conscious of the psychological problems which make women dependent is very important, but in many cases it's not enough to actually be able to 'spring free', unfortunately.
It's mostly a problem of omission, seeing as the author does focus on her experience and women with similar upbringings, but the book does have a couple of cringeworthy vocally anti-intersectional moments as well. There's a point when the author states that getting household help would help (middle-class) women get more independence - while throwing lower-class (who are often poc) women under the bus 😕. There's also another anti-sisterhood cringeworthy moment with the mention of two women who, apparently as a way to become 'less afraid of independence', decide to have affairs with married men. Which is never cool in my book and also a bit hypocritical, considering it throws other potentially dependent and miserable (house)wives under the bus as well :/.
Other remarks
I'd also like to mention that, while I agree with the fact that, as a result of patriarchal upbringing, many women actually contribute to the loss of self-confidence and independence they experience, the author sometimes seems to paint husbands/partners in too good a light, being stifled by their wives/partners' emotional and financial dependence, and actually encouraging them to get jobs/activities and/or become less dependent in other ways. It's regrettably very true that women often bring the dependent dynamic to the equation because of their upbringing and the media they consume, but men are also brought up in a society where male privilege and gender roles where they are expected to be the more active and dominant partner are everywhere, and thus are key to the problem as well, and more so than women.
And while the author does also mention oppressive husbands and men who hold all the financial and executive power, she never seems to focus on the fact that many men promote this system and seem to be pretty happy with the arrangement, never actually encouraging any of the women in their family to gain any independence whatsoever. The system does benefit them in so many more ways than the trifling bother of having an emotional dependent girlfriend or wife, after all, so an important percentage of them are pretty much OK with it all :S
The book also seems to assume that women
end up in relationships, be they emotionally dependent or not,
omitting the cases of women who actually prefer just casual encounters
or who are just not interested in relationships. Once again, this is
written from the author's experience and point of view, and so she does
focus on the effects that heteronormative/allosexual/amatonormative relationships have on women. But sometimes one
can get the impression that a relationship is still a given step in a
woman's life, instead of just critisizing the fact that most women
always feel they have to go for that because they've been taught to be
dependent on a man and to seek for someone to save them. It's true that a woman
can 100% be in a relationship while 'loving herself' and not losing her
independence, but choosing to stay without one in a 100% happy way is
another possibility that, as I recall, is not mentioned in this book.
These
comments aside, I wholeheartedly recommend everyone reading this book,
because emotional and financial dependence is a deeply problematic issue
that, as a result of our upbringing, can become very subtle and hard to
be concious of, and it severely affects women's happiness, freedom and
wellbeing.
-Some quotes (these are screenshots from Goodreads, quotes added by me) with great points on female socialization, gender roles and imposter syndrome. Click on individual pics for a larger size!
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