My response to '20 Things Women Do That Men Probably Don't Know About'

I found this list about "20 things women do that men probably don't know about"  the other day (thanks, Facebook, for giving me such profound things to read). You can find it here. Not the best read (I will copy the points of the list below when I comment it, too).

Although I usually just scroll down these kind of lists (after scoffing inwardly for a bit about sexist stereotypes),  I'm feeling activist and snarky, so let's critisize stereotypes for a bit.

Before I begin, I suppose that some people will not be interested in a more or less lengthy, and 100% snarky, commentary about a theoretically "harmless" list ridden with gender stereotypes. I really don't force anyone to read anything. So please, let us not have any comments about how I overreact to a harmless 'fun' list on the Internet, and how I must have a lot of free time, or how I'm a 'crazed, bitter feminist'. I do enjoy myself by writing snarky responses to stereotyped texts, because yes, I am against stereotypes and don't think they're fun or healthy. And no, I'm not exactly bitter because of it, although my life would be so much better without unnecessary gender roles. To each their own :)! Only, I don't feed trolls.

 Before commenting on each point, I'd just like to mention that I'm not a fan of generalisations. Generalisations are often wrong, misleading and/or prejudiced or ridden with stereotypes. Generalisations do people very little good and they're certainly not the best argument to use if you want to validate a point.  I'm saying this because this list - as well as so many others - is brimming with generalisations about how women supposedly act and think, thus promoting a lot of stereotypes that are not true in many cases (some of these, or all, may be true for a faction of women, but certainly not for all), and not exactly harmless, either.  And the same goes for lists about how men supposedly think and act.

 I think these lists bug me quite a lot because they appear shallow and harmless, but they keep promoting these unhealthy stereotypes that just enforce sexism. Just notice how this list about 'things women do that men don't know about' MAINLY focuses on physical aspects having to do with clothes, make-up, evaluation of the body and so on. There is practically nothing about character or mind or thought, or anything else (after all..."what else is there?!"). According to this list, women are beings who overly focus on their bodies and are usually self-conscious about them, feeling pressured to conform to a certain 'ideal body'. It is inferred that all use make-up and shave their body hair. It is inferred that all have deep interest about clothes. The only non-physical point of this list is that theoretically women get emotional in an irrational way from time to time. And for them, apparently, breasts are apparently so important when it comes to defining their "womanhood".

While many women may identify with some or even all of these points, what bugs me is that the writer chose these frankly shallow points as points that theoretically describe what a woman is versus a man. Men are also pressured to conform to certain body types and ideals in our society, but to a lesser extent than women, of course, and if one takes a look at these kind of lists, for men, there are comparatively very few points about physicality and 'beauty themes', and way more points about character, thought and action. And specifically quite a few points about how women make myths about men, and how they aren't really true. And yet women's lists, not all of them but way too many, still focus on these beauty points and apparently they're not myths or generalisations or anything. See, just at the right of this '20 things women do that men probably don't know about' is another list called '20 myths about men that need to be erradicated immediately'.  Double standards much?

Some of these points I have done or experienced. But I would never say that such things as poking myself in the eye with a mascara wand or wearing the same bra for a few days defines me as a woman (I'm also non-binary and gender critical, so the concept of 'defining myself as a woman' doesn't even apply to me). Given that 99% of these points are about someone's  beauty routine and thoughts on their body, generalized to extend to all women, I would hardly say they're a good way to describe a whole sex, or a whole gender (even if the gender construct does come with a lot of these subjective stereotypes). 
And about the title, 'that men probably don't know about'...No wonder men don't know about aspects having to do with someone's private routine!  Some of these stereotyped thoughts are so stereotyped, though, I do think men already must know about them. After all, we don't stop reading about how all women should be self-conscious about their bodies because they don't conform to the idealised body of society, or how women are so irrational and governed by PMS, right?

If someone wanted to 'define herself/themselves as a woman', first of all (and I repeat that for some people who are trans, agender, non-binary, genderfluid, and/or queer in some other way, that concept nay either not 't even apply, or apply in a very different way), I guess they'd prefer to define herself/themself without using too many gender-biased stereotypes, which basically make no sense. And second, while they could talk about their body at a certain point (this post is focused on women with female bodies only, though), they would probably choose aspects that had to so with character and way of thinking before and/or at least in addition to their body and, indeed, before their personal beauty routine.  Also, you cannot expect to summarize a complex individual, disregardless of their sex (and/or gender), by 20 points about someone's personal ideas, like I said. According to this list, I'm just someone who's seemingly rather obsessed with her breasts, self-conscious about her body, jealous of the bodies of other women, equaling her beauty routine to everyone's beauty routine and the very "essence of womanhood", and crying irrationally to add a bit of variety. Yeah, I think I'll write another list for myself, if you don't mind.

Pretty much

So, a bit of a more detailed commentary on each point.  Read on if you're interested!

-UPDATE: A commenter just kindly let me know that these points were selected in a pretty biased way and taken out of context from this Reddit, where individual women are commenting about things that they do or have done. Meanwhile, the Tickl post takes the problematic turn of selecting (in a biased and subjective way) a few of these personal, individual experiences, taking them out of context and massively generalizing them so that they're the things that apparently define women vs men. Thus, we go from a series of relatively harmless, individual experiences (still influenced by gender roles, but that's another issue) to a stereotype-promoting message implying that women are these beauty-obsessed and emotionally unstable beings who owe society (and men) their appearance. Proof of the harm which something can do when taken out of context and interpretated in a subjective, biased and manipulative way. And that is NOT OKAY. I don't care if the selecter's original intention wasn't to promote an stereotyped view of women. That's what (s)he is doing.

1.  "Wear the same bra for...an undetermined, yet very long time. Unless it smells"

Woah, we start with profound issues. So women usually wear bras. So many probably don't change them every day if they remain clean. So WHAT?  Suddenly one of the 20 things that seems to define me as a woman is the amount of time I wear the same bra. And it's also one of the things men probably don't know about women (you think?! Should I know about men's habits with their underwear to know how men think and act? Or do you, you know, ask deeper questions in their case?). Just excuse me while I facepalm, because it's fascinating to know that the state of my underwear defines me so much as a woman.

2.  "Getting naked and contorting our bodies in the mirror in the most absurd ways in order to try and look skinny."

Because being a woman is first and foremost about her body. And being a woman, naturally, means that she must  be obsessing all the time about her body, and be self-conscious about it.

 Apart from the fact that it's a generalisation (some women will be interested in their appearance more than others), this list seems to forget that 1) Not all 'obsess' about their body in a bad way, there will be a happy faction who will approve of their body and just admire it, and 2) many don't obsess over their body just because they feel like it. There's a hell of a difference between getting naked in front of the mirror for pure fun or to admire your body (because self-love shouldn't be called vanity, especially not when everyone tries to make us hate our body), and getting naked in order to try and look skinny. Apparently, being a woman means that it's OK for society to lower their self-esteem and bash their natural body type, making them think that they must strive to look like the idealised 'skinny' (but still curvy and 'womanly', or you'll still be bashed a lot for looking like a 'waifish man', don't forget that)  'ideal'  forced upon them (a body type which is not exactly common, btw). And I'm speaking as a woman who has a 'skinny' body type.  But I have never wanted to think that my being thinner or larger defined me either as a woman or as a human-being, thank you very much.

So yeah,  thanks for promoting the stereotype that women care first and foremost about their appearance and for thinking that all must hate their bodies if they're not adequately  thin - or rather, if they don't conform to that single, highly idealised model of the 'perfect looking woman' that doesn't even exist in many cases unless Barbie dolls count.

3. "Watched themselves cry in the mirror at least once during a heavy crying session. You know after sobbing for 20 minutes, you want to see if you "cry prettily". Most of the time it will be a disappointment."

And just keep saying that being a woman means being obsessed about appearance before anything else. It sure isn't getting old. Right, so every woman who has been sobbing for 20 minutes wants to see if they 'cry prettily'. WTF is that even about?? Because when a woman is sobbing and clearly in pain about something (women, and people in general, don't sob for 20 minutes for nothing, you know), the most obvious and important thing is wanting to check if they cry prettily. You know, when I've been sobbing for that long, I feel so bad about the actual issue I'm crying about that the last thing that I really want to think about is to see if I 'cry prettily'. Whatever the hell that even means. Maybe if I cried 'prettily' my pain would lessen? Am I supposed, as a woman, to try to look beautiful all.the.damn.time?

"Most of the time it will be a disappointment."

You think? When humans cry, apart from feeling bad, which the writer(s) seems to overlook, they get runny noses and red eyes and a red nose and it's generally not their best state. But apparently women should look at their best always. It really doesn't matter how men look while they cry, right? (Actually, it seems that they shouldn't be crying at all, according to sexist society ideals)

Reducing sobbing women to beings who thing that the most important thing is to see if they look pretty while crying. Way to go! Pray don't include me in your frankly heartless and sexist generalisation. Gods.

4. "Hold my boobs while running down the stairs"

and

5. "Name my boobs"

If women want to do these, cool, although generalisation again, because personally, I've never given sporadical 4. that much importance, and I haven't done 5, nor do I wish to (WTF, really). Same as I don't feel like naming my arms or legs.  But really, it's not all that satisfying when women are mostly defined, first and foremost, by their body and their sexual attributes (like I said in the intro, this list only refers to women with "female bodies"). We are more than just boobs. The idea that boobs are something which define a woman above any other body part, and, ultimately, the oversexualization of a woman's breasts or body in general, often doesn't do a lot of good in terms of equality. Maybe the fact of having boobs doesn't mean one must be obsessed about them.  I mean, not all women hold their boobs in such high esteem as the list implies, and that's OK as well.

6. "Let our legs get hairy until they see some action"

Again, generalisation and social sexist demands. Once again, being a woman means you are to be defined by your appearance. The general rule is that women must shave their legs, and if they shave them it's first and foremost for men and for the rest of people to see them and evaluate you as a 'good enough woman' .

Some women shave their legs because they actually like their hairless legs, and more power to them. Some don't bother about it and feel good about their body hair, and more power to them as well. Some shave them all year long, some just when the legs "see some action", some don't shave at all. They're all women. Why promote the idea that a woman must shave her body hair in order "to be a woman", and, most importantly, that she does it not for herself (because she actually prefers hairless legs no matter what society's demands are), BUT for others (supposedly mainly men)? Personally, I like the look of having hairless legs during the Summer, but yes, I don't bother with having to shave them the rest of the year. Contrary to what society (or the writer(s) of the list) would expect, I don't do it so that men can appreciate me or in order to conform to society, I do it because I aesthetically like the feel and look of hairless legs when they're bare. I don't especially hate my leg hair, either, I just prefer my legs to be hairless during the Summer.

But even if I don't really do it for anyone, does it really matter so much? Does my body hair, or lack thereof, and how often I shave it, define me so much as a woman?  And must I really justify myself for shaving or not shaving, for the reason I do it, or for how often I do it? Isn't that kind of personal...like pretty much everything on this list?


 I am more than just my appearance, and I worry about more things than my appearance, you know.  Also, my personal routine when it comes to my body should be my choice and, really, many of these are personal issues that vary from woman to woman, and from person to person. See why generalisations don't work?

And yes, I'm also a radical feminist who totally gets the fact that patriarchal society pressures women into certain double standard demands about their appearance, such as shaving. Shaving my legs is not a "feminist choice", and that's where 'choice feminism' gets it all wrong. And yet, for me, it's not because I feel that I must be pleasing men, either. It's a personal aesthetic preference not related to man-pleasing brainwashing, but at the same time no choice comes from a vaccuum and obviously the demands of patriarchal society affect me just as they affect everyone else. At least I don't kid myself about it as neoliberals do :/

7.  "Admire other woman's beauty, as well as be jealous of other woman's beauty."

Because other thing that defines me as a woman consists of evaluating and being jealous of the appearance of the rest of women. Probably because I see them as adversaries in the 'get a man' competition.  You see, that is not something that defines women, that is something that society has taught most of them from their childhood, and thus we get women against women when it comes to who is the most beautiful and who gets the best man.

Yes, I do admire other women from an aesthetic and non-objectifying point of view. But I also admire women's personality and actions, not just their looks. And although I've been taught, like all the rest, to antagonize women who are "prettier" than me, according to society's established beauty canon, I refuse to let that define me as a woman. Also, as if society didn't teach men to evaluate each other as well!

8. Spend far too much time trying to pluck one eyebrow hair that won't go away"

Who knew that my eyebrow plucking defined me so much as a woman, or that it was such an important event in my life. And again, this is assuming that all women pluck, or should be plucking, their eyebrows.

9.  Practice strip-teasing for yourself in front of a mirror. Determine never to strip for anyone ever. Break rule.

So women should practise "strip-teasing" (a term I thoroughly hate seeing here because it has more to do with objectification than self-love or healthy sexuality) in order to be...what, sexy? But don't think yourself too sexy, because the writer is assuming that you're ashamed of your body because it isn't perfect in the way society wants it to be.

Apart from the fact that women are more than their appearance, thanks for assuming that all women are self-conscious about their body.

10. "When you think that nobody is looking, you'll readjust your bra, stick your hand in, pull 'em up once at a time, straighten the band and straps, and add an extra squeeze to make sure everything is in its place."

Yes, women must be obsessed with the state of their breasts every day, and they must make sure that they look good for everyone else to see all the time. Obviously.

11. "Cried for absolutely no reason and felt stupid about it."

I'm pretty sure that isn't exclusive to women. That is called being a human-being, human-beings cry sometimes for no reason other than stress, hormone upsurges, and other factors.

Please stop promoting the stereotype that women are irrational, PMS'ing emotionally unstable beings, or that women should be ashamed of being emotional or having hormonal upsurges they can't actually control. Same as men have them, even if they are generally told to ignore or hide them.

12. "When trying to poop in public we try to pretend we're not in the stall and act dead silent if anyone comes in. We won't poop until they've left the bathroom. If they came to poop there is usually a poop stalemate. Nobody wins in a poop stalemate."

Seriously?? I feel this is massively out of place. How does THAT define a woman's way of thinking and being? Are we to assume men don't get involved in 'poop stalemates'? Are we to assume that  that specific situation and bodily function is not relevant to men's way of thinking and being? Do you really want to define women by what they do in public bathrooms? *epic facepalm*

13. "Stabbed myself in the eye with a mascara wand."

This is assuming all women use mascara, and by extension, that all women use make-up. Make-up should actually be a choice, not an obligation in order to "look flawless and beautiful" - which is what being a woman means, right? I use make-up when I feel like it, and just for fun, not because I owe humanity a polished face (at the same time no, it is not a "feminist choice").

 Interesting that 20/21 points are about appearance or underwear. And the other one is about pooping so...yeah.

14. "Squatting like a baseball catcher to stretch out freshly washed jeans"

Again, whoo, profound! Appearance and clothes yet again.

15. "Going out on a date? Start getting ready like 2 or 3 hours beforehand just to make sure you're ready on time, and then rush the last ten minutes before you have to leave when you realize that you only have half of your face and you're still in a towel."

Sure, for most women it takes 2-3 hours to put half of their make-up. I think you writer(s) overdid the exaggeration there. How very original, let's exploit the 'women take forever to get ready' stereotype! Actually, there are all kinds, and some men take their time as well. Also, if society didn't ask of women to look pretty much flawless every day, I'm pretty sure some would be able to get ready in way less time. But no, we have to wear perfect make-up every day, and have perfect hair, and perfectly painted nails and well-chosen clothes and shoes. Men usually just have to wear something. But no, 'women tke forever'!

  Also, the idea that when a woman dresses up, it's necessarily for men or for other people to admire them. Some women can actually enjoy getting ready for an event just because they like looking nice, not to impress anyone or because they owe their beauty to the world, you know. Dates very much included.

16. "Cup shower water in my boobies then unleash the water torrent on my toes"

A pretty personal little detail that hardly defines womanhood. And again with the 'boob obsession'. I'm not against breasts at all, but really, if you're going to make generalisations at least do think of some more general and preferably more profound things.

17. "Stayed up later than planned only because the nail polished you've applied ten minutes ago is still dentable and you don't want to wake up to dented nail polish. Ever."

Again defining women as appearance-obsessed beings. Oh no, the gods forbid our nails get dented!

Do stop feeding people the idea that women must conform to otherwordly perfect ideals all the frigging time! It really is getting old. Also, not all women like painting their nails.

18. "Do shower math when you wake up to see how long you have to sleep and if it's even worth showering or go back to bed and put your hair in a bun for work."

Again, appearance. It seems that shower math is the only math that can define women as women. Also, not all women wash their hair every day (which is not good for the hair at all, btw). Not all women choose buns as the 'not fabulous hair' resort (buns are always fabulous, thank you very much). Not all women take forever to get ready.  Not all women think that getting ready is that demanding, challenging or important. And even if they did, that isn't the thing that best defines them as women, jeesh. 

19. "After shaving, wear silky or satin-y pj's"

Appearance again. And compulsory shaving. And not all women like wearing satin/silk pj's, just saying.

20. "That amazing back/stomach scratch when you take your bra off after a long day. Best feeling ever."

And boobs/bra stuff as the heroic finale. Also, maybe you should address the fact that most women wish to tear their uncomfortable wired bras off instead of reveling on the 'best ever' post-feeling. Many women don't love their boobs as much as you'd want them to when society offers them the most uncomfortable bras ever made.

Just saying, to me, as a woman, a new season of Sherlock or playing the piano is what qualifies as best feeling ever xDD